You can pick your team, you can pick your ass, but you can’t pick your team’s ass – “Throwgasms”

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There is something about spotting a trend, a pattern, or a theme. If you are anything like I am, you suddenly feel about twenty IQ points higher and think to yourself, “See! I totally could have been the guy who cleaned up on ‘Press Your Luck’! But I’d be smart enough to not to hand my winnings over to shady investment brokers! They only get my 401K! My winnings are all mineminemineminemine!” And as a Steelers fan, I love picking up on writers and broadcasters who I think are on “our side” based on their picks.

So while I was catching up on Big Daddy Drew’s Jamboroo posts on Deadspin, I realized he had selected the Steelers to be worth “Five Throwgasms” for the past three weeks. I wondered which team – according to a very arbitrary way of picking games which are the most watchable – came out on top. Being that my options today were to, 1) Do the work that ensures I get a paycheck, 2) Write the last twenty or so “Thank You” notes for our wedding gifts, 3) Make a giant spreadsheet and determine if the Steelers are indeed the most Throwgasm-ist team in the league, I decided to follow my hunch.

As I went through each post week by week, I had this growing fear that either the Cowboys or the Giants would be the ones covered in the most rubber jizz.

Fortunately, the Steelers had only two “Two Throwgasms” games which allowed them to just edge out New York and Dallas through Week 15. I imagine Week 16 will see the Giants and the Steelers hold steady since they are both playing for their respective conference number one seed in the playoffs, but the Steelers could see a huge drop off in Week 17 as they play the Browns while the Giants play Drew Magary favorite, the Minnesota Vikings.

The breakdown –

AFC Average – 2.71875 NFC Average – 2.81696

AFC North Average – 2.785714

Baltimore 3.142857143
Cincy 1.642857143
Cleveland 2.285714286
Pittsburgh 4.071428571

AFC South Average – 2.785714

Houston 1.928571429
Indy 3.428571429
Jax 2.857142857
Tenn 2.928571429

AFC East Average – 2.857143

Bills 2.571428571
Miami 2.5
NE 3.357142857
Jets 3

AFC West Average – 2.446429

Denver 3.5
KC 1.428571429
Oakland 1.571428571
San Diego 3.285714286

NFC North Average – 2.660714

Bears 2.785714286
Lions 1.357142857
GB 3.428571429
Minn 3.071428571 *Drew admitted one week that he gave Vikings-Packers a 5 out of homerism, so that does skew the results.

NFC South Average – 3.107143

Atlanta 2.857142857
Carolina 3.214285714
New Orleans 3.214285714
Tampa Bay 3.142857143

NFC East Average – 3.625

Dallas 3.714285714
Giants 4
Philly 3.357142857
Washington 3.428571429

NFC West Average – 1.875

Arizona 2.571428571
San Fran 1.785714286
Seattle 1.642857143
St Louis 1.5

Week 14 had the distinction of having all of the NFC East teams earning “5 Throwgasms” while the entire AFC West only earned four Throwgasms between the lot of them. The AFC North (2.785714) benefited the most by playing the NFC East (3.625) and thus bringing up the sad-sack average of the Bengals (1.642857). And shocking to no one, the NFC West should just fall into the Pacific.

It would be interesting to see how the number of Throwgasms given trends up and down through the season.  It would also be worth looking into Christmas Ape‘s question, “Does it correlate with the alcohol content in his gametime beer of the week?”  There could be relationship between the number of times his child pooped on a Thursday and the Saturday night games, but only parents care about how many “number 2’s” there are on any given day. (Or pet owners, but we all know toddlers are not pets.)

I think I am going to make this a first in a series as the season winds down. The CBS Sportsline picks page always seems completely random. MJD at Yahoo does not make picks, but I’ve always felt he had a soft spot for the Black and Gold based on the Smorgesboard and Sunday Sponge Bath.

Who else is on our side?

(Yes, you should go buy Drew’s Men With Balls, The Professional Athlete’s Handbook.)

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~ by Sarah Sprague on December 17, 2008.

5 Responses to “You can pick your team, you can pick your ass, but you can’t pick your team’s ass – “Throwgasms””

  1. I really, really wish it wasn’t too late to make rubberjizz my twitter handle.

  2. I wish I had methods of procrastination this inspired.

  3. There is awesome, and then there is math nerd awesome. Congrats, TSW.

    A few years ago I did something similar with John Clayton’s 1st and 10 column, although just with categories of headliner/yes/no, for the first half of the season. He inexplicably loved the Raiders, including them on the list for every one of their sucky games.

  4. Thanks RobinFiveWords. Not surprising about Clayton. I’m pretty sure he was built by the same team of Bioroids builders who keep up Al Davis.

  5. Ouch, enough already with the black background.

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