LeBron, I’m worried about my friend’s health. You should be too.
I don’t know if you know my friend Jeremy, but you should, and I am a little worried about him. Professional writer, avid card player, and drinker of fine IPA’s.
Rabid Cavs fan.
These two back-to-back losses cannot be good for his mental health. When you are doing well, he can wear your jersey during the game. When you are not, he takes it off. This obviously leads to a lot of wardrobe changes during the game, and I’d hate to see the jersey that was given to him as a birthday present from Tony get all stretched out.
The 12-inch McFarland figure that TheStarterBoyfriend bought Jeremy gets the same treatment. Not the stretching part, that would be weird, but your figure comes in and out of the closet to watch the game depending on your level of play. (Now this whole paragraph is weird. No one mentioned in this ditty is in the closet, except for the action figure.) Have you ever seen someone get mad at a 12 inch action figure – still in the box – aside of Star Wars fans post-May 19, 1999?
So LeBron, all I am asking you is to do something in that locker room to get your team fired up enough to win. Be the leader everyone wants you to be. Inspire everyone to be better.
(Or at least, as the team leader, lock coach Brown into a closet so he doesn’t fucking get you guys a technical foul when you are only down by a basket. Tell him there is an action figure in there he can play with.)
I know this is going to be hard for you, and I take back everything I said to Jeremy the other day about you just not having that fire and drive of a champion. You need to win at least one game, not just for Jeremy but for all of Cleveland. Because once the Cavs are done, they have to start thinking about this.