Really! You can even buy a team logo candy dispenser!

(By the way, I wasn’t scouring the internet for team chocolate goods in the middle of the night. Wedding favor research, I swear. )

This has to happen.

Listen DirecTV (Directv? DirectV? DirecTv? DirectTV? Or as you always print it, DIRECTV?), I don’t ask for much.

I’ve been a happy NFL Sunday Ticket customer for more than six years now (SuperFan subscriber for two) with nary a complaint. Oh sure, I cringe every July when my bill shoots up an extra $60 bucks a month until Christmas, but $360 for the football package isn’t too terrible when my total DirecTV costs are around $1900 a year.

And as silly as it sounds, I look forward to the renewal notice. Not because it is a harbinger of all the football yet to come, but up until now, each year you’ve mailed a full schedule and channel guide for the entire season. Everything I need to know in one place. Easy to keep next to the TV. No muss, no fuss - open, read, turn the channel to 713. One year I kept it in my purse, just in case I ran into a bartender who was a little slow on the draw.

This year? A Week ONE schedule and a link to check out the guide online?!?!

I pay you almost two grand a year and you’re saving money by only giving me a WEEK ONE guide? Yes, the magnet that was glued to the leaflet is nice, but I already have enough magnets. Village Pizza, Roto-Rooter, and friends who are too cheap to buy real travel souvenirs have taken care of me in magnet department.

What I need is a schedule. All the games, all the channels. Easy to read. Something I can take with me in a hurry.

Do you know how hard direct.com/nfl is navigate on a Blackberry? Four clicks later and I still haven’t found the schedule, and I’m pretty sober this afternoon. What happens after my second Bellini or third Bloody Mary and after all the scrolling, searching, accidentally ordering Fool’s Gold on pay-per-view, and resetting the parental lock on the porn? Then what? Are you refunding me the $4.99 and making sure customer service is not snickering next time I go looking for Zombie Strippers?

You’ve launched your new ON-Demand service. You’re predicting $20 Billion in revenue in 2010. Life is good down in El Segundo! No need to cheap out and not give me a FULL SEASON channel guide!

Hands down, the best day of the cleanse do far. Beans as Asians noodles, zucchini “calzones”, a peach cobbler of sorts.

Or maybe it was because I barely drank any of the juices.

And the phytoplankton shots don’t bother me any more.

No highlights (okay, maybe the hemp seed tabouli salad, the wild mushroom “pilaf”, and the watermelon) and no low lights.  No headaches.  Just want a GODDAMN CUP OF COFFEE OR TEA OR SOMETHING WARM TO DRINK I DON’T CARE IF IT IS SUGAR FREE LO-CARB TOFU BASED CAROB DRINKS AS LONG AS IT IS WARM.

Yes, this diet is making me feel much better.  Toxins certainly flowing freely now.

Pictured - Kale salad with Mango Lime dressing, jicama salad, one taco (made with cabbage for a shell), and various juices.

Not pictured - The phytoplankton shot, oatmeal breakfast, two of the three “tacos”, celery with almond butter.  (Sorry, forgot to take the picture first thing in the morning.)

Highlights of Day 2 -

• I didn’t quit.
• Blinding headache, and I still didn’t quit.
• Didn’t quit.
• Oatmeal and the Green Citrus juice.
• Tacos were good once you got past the cabbage taste.  Better when set out for a bit so they could be room temperature.
• Didn’t quit.
• Celery and almond butter snack.

Lowlights from Day 2 -

• I didn’t quit.
• OMG THE CAFFEINE HEADACHE WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY.
• Cabbage tacos.
• The headache.
• Wanting to stab StarterBoyfriend when he ate some chocolate ice cream.
• Gave both kale salad and the jicama to Starterboyfriend because I wasn’t hungry. And I couldn’t face food.
• Only drank about 1/4 of the juices.

The GI Fitness powder I’m supposed to take before bed to help with BMs scares me a bit, so I haven’t taken it yet.  Will try it tonight though.  (Just to see how it works.)

(Maybe.)

(What if it tastes bad? And then I am STUCK with that taste the rest of the night?)

And since I missed this image from Day 1, look what was in my pack for Day 3?

The Super Shot of “fresh water blue-green algae, wheat grass, ginger, lemon, chlorophyll, and cayenne pepper!!! Yummy! This time I only thought about throwing up, instead of actual gagging! And look! I’d already pounded half of the shot before I took the picture! Go me!

This is one of my favorite Carlin routines just because he talks about all you really need to construct a good joke.

Not pictured - The Super Shot of “fresh water blue-green algae, wheatgrass, ginger, lemon, chlorophyll, and cayenne pepper” that replaced my morning coffee.

Highlights of Day 1 -

• Having a schedule of what to eat and when.
• Love watermelon.
• The pesto and sun-dried tomato “pasta” with a salad.
• The Caesar salad for dinner.
• See that little white cup? That is some sort of flan made out of I think cashew.  It was excellent, and the best thing I had all day.

Lowlights of Day 1 -

• It was about 100 degrees here in LA today, and I just didn’t have the energy or desire to eat so much food. I didn’t finish anything except the flan.  (Even on a normal day I could not eat that much food.)
• The juices and blends.  I was already full most of the time and couldn’t manage to drink much of any of the three.  (Especially the thick “Green Drink” which has been championed by Dr. Oz on Oprah.) Plus, I’d being lying to say I didn’t struggle with the taste.
• Small caffeine-withdrawal headache.
• That Super Shot… If I hadn’t pounded it right there in the shop there was no way I would have choked it down on my own.   And it was hot hot hot hot hot.

Not sure how I did on Day 1, but I didn’t eat anything that wasn’t in the cooler they gave me.  That has to count for something? Considering that Starterboyfriend had chips and salsa, cereal, and some other junk.  (Including Cheez Whiz.)

… And no one seems to know why. (By “no one”, my research includes emailing my friend Jack, checking for posts on LAist, Curbed LA, searching Craigslist, and quizzing everyone at the Beachwood Market.)  When I took these pictures, there weren’t any helicopters shooting the sign, no camera crews on the ground, or even any park rangers shooing people away.

Jack said he saw the light coming from the Observatory, so I’m guessing there must have been two beams directed at the sign, because from the park you can see the light looks like it is coming from around Franklin and Highland.

(I wish we would have had the nicer camera with us, because the reflection on Lake Hollywood was stunning and this shot does not do it justice. )

So I ask, why was the Hollywood sign lit up last night? Los Angeles Film Festival?  If that was the case then there would have been a press release.  Mariachi night at the Bowl? Can you even see the sign from the Bowl? (I think it is too deep down in the dell.)  Still searching for the person who called in a bomb scare in Beachwood Canyon earlier in the day?

Or did someone think they could slip it by without the Hollywoodland Homeowners Association noticing?